Thursday, 25 February 2010

Cranky pants on

Ever had one of those weeks where, no matter how hard you try, you just feel cranky? grumpy? frustrated? like you would like to hurt someone? Well, this has been one of those weeks for me.

It all started on Tuesday morning. No hang on, it was the weekend really, because I was so tired on Tuesday from my weekend antics, that I simply couldn't drag myself out of bed. I literally was shouting/yelling/reprimanding from the moment I woke up, and I just couldn't pull myself together.

Later that day, while feeling laden with Mother's guilt for being such a crosspatch Mum, Sister A called to let me know that one of my old school friends had died. This left me feeling awfully sad. This guy had taken one of life's rockier paths and got himself mixed up with the wrong crowd while indulging in the wrong types of recreational pursuits.

Although it had been many years since I had seen him, I did spend much of my childhood in his warm-hearted company. I feel sadness that he is dead, and I feel especially sad that he died alone. You see, apparently he died on Jan 30th, but the news has only now filtered through to his family. I am yet to know the full story (we are still in touch with his sister) but I am thinking smelly body in the apartment next door type of scenario. Awful.

I went to bed on Tuesday night promising myself that I would wake up happier. Only I didn't.

Yesterday I just took up where I had left off. Yelling. Shouting. Frustrated. And, while I apologised to my children for my mood, I just couldn't shake it.

So I wore my cranky pants all day long. Pulled up high. I got grumpy when Nugget refused to repeat his rendition of his reading homework. I wanted to tear my hair out when Do Dah spent his lunchtime walking around the house instead of sitting at the table. I spat the dummy when Nugget refused to eat his roast chicken dinner (made the WW way with minimal oil). I practically had to muzzle myself to stop myself from swearing at him.

I went to my meditation course last night. I felt like an imposter after all the anger, frustration, irritation and guilt that I have been carrying this week. But I particpated in the meditations, and slowly, I began to feel calmer.

After one and half hours, most of which was spent internally reprimanding myself for not being able to focus, I finished my meditation session and came home. I did feel more relaxed. Less annoyed. Happier. I had worked through some of my issues and made peace with myself for my moods.

I had a nice night chatting to my husband. Overindulged in chocolate bullets (at least 8 Points worth which is unpleasant to contemplate) and went to bed with a feeling that I could have a better day today.

Only I haven't.

The fact that the twins were up at least 5 times between them last night (bloody teeth) and I was too busy eating chocolate bullets to get myself into bed at a reasonable hour, meant that I am, once again, sleep deprived.

This morning I actually SCREAMED at the kids (not a yell or a shout). My husband gave me a time-out because I was so out of control!

So much for Zen. So much for being a good Mum. So much for being a reasonable person. All out the window!

So I sit here at the computer feeling terrible. Guilty for getting so out of control. Annoyed for letting the small things in life get so darned big. Angry for acting like a toddler and modelling such appalling behaviour to my children. What is it with me???

* Post entered in Life in a Pink Fibro's Weekend Rewind on December 11, 2010. Click over to read lots of other old favourites!

5 comments:

life in a pink fibro said...

You learn something new every day. I had NO idea that you'd attempted a meditation course. I'm not even brave enough to think about it. As for the cranky pants, yep, I have days when they're pulled up high enough to strangle me. Not pretty. Just human.

Maxabella said...

Bend ya bum, swat! x

Lucy said...

What's with you?! Four littlies are with you. Life. Stuff. Grief. Hormones.

Sweet girl, I take my hat off to you, for coping at all.

I have days when I swear to goodness I am suprised you cannot hear my screaching and screaming all the way from SA to NSW.

I chuck a better tanty some days than Lexie....

NORMAL.

xxx

Loz said...

We all have bad days that we regret and one way of dealing with them is recognising them at the time.

Over from weekend rewind :)

Tat said...

Most of us can relate to this. Please show me the mum who has never screamed at her children!

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