I had planned to do a frivolous post today about twins and party etiquette* but I can't find my frivolity after reading Lori's latest post.
For those of you who don't know Lori, she lost her husband earlier this year to suicide. I won't tell her story, she does an amazing job of that herself, but I will tell you how I am feeling about it.
To me, suicide represents a total lack of hope and even though I am a pessimist, I can't imagine how anyone could ever feel that way. That being said, people do it and that is the end. For them.
For those they leave behind it is just the beginning. The survivors have to pick up the pieces of their lives, without their special person. They have to get on with the day-to-day realities while they mourn the loss of someone so dear. They have to try to work out what happened. Why? Why?
They painstakingly rewind their way through the weeks and months leading up to the suicide, looking for clues.
They reflect on their interactions with the person and often feel regret, sadness, and/or anger. I wish I didn't say that. I wish I had said I loved you more often. I wish I realised he wasn't making idle threats.
They have to find a way to justify to themselves how they could have 'not known' that this was the person's intention. I knew him so well, how could I have not known this? How?
They have to build their memory of the person; put them in the past tense. And somehow they need to account for this revelation in their summation of the person's personality. Somehow marry together the person they thought they knew with this new person. This person who took his own life.
They have to put the puzzle of worries and problems and issues together to try to understand why the person felt this was the only solution available to them.
But it never makes sense. No matter how much blame, guilt, regret, sadness, anger and fear that the survivors endure. It never makes sense.
Survivors spend the rest of their lives with an "if only" relationship with their special person. If only he'd talked to me. If only I had known. If only he could've found another solution.
If only he was still here.
My heart breaks for Lori and other survivors like her. I hope I never have to experience what they go through.
No matter what the question, suicide is not the answer.
* If you are clicking over to Lori's, please be aware that her emotions are raw, her stories are not censored and it is heart-wrenchingly difficult to read.
**I am sure the frivolity will return soon and I will put this post together