Friday, 28 January 2011

If only...

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I've just been over visiting Random Ramblings of a Stay at Home Mum.

I had planned to do a frivolous post today about twins and party etiquette* but I can't find my frivolity after reading Lori's latest post.

For those of you who don't know Lori, she lost her husband earlier this year to suicide. I won't tell her story, she does an amazing job of that herself, but I will tell you how I am feeling about it.

To me, suicide represents a total lack of hope and even though I am a pessimist, I can't imagine how anyone could ever feel that way. That being said, people do it and that is the end. For them.

For those they leave behind it is just the beginning. The survivors have to pick up the pieces of their lives, without their special person. They have to get on with the day-to-day realities while they mourn the loss of someone so dear. They have to try to work out what happened. Why? Why?

They painstakingly rewind their way through the weeks and months leading up to the suicide, looking for clues.

They reflect on their interactions with the person and often feel regret, sadness, and/or anger. I wish I didn't say that. I wish I had said I loved you more often. I wish I realised he wasn't making idle threats.

They have to find a way to justify to themselves how they could have 'not known' that this was the person's intention. I knew him so well, how could I have not known this? How?

They have to build their memory of the person; put them in the past tense. And somehow they need to account for this revelation in their summation of the person's personality. Somehow marry together the person they thought they knew with this new person. This person who took his own life.

They have to put the puzzle of worries and problems and issues together to try to understand why the person felt this was the only solution available to them.

But it never makes sense. No matter how much blame, guilt, regret, sadness, anger and fear that the survivors endure. It never makes sense.

Survivors spend the rest of their lives with an "if only" relationship with their special person. If only he'd talked to me. If only I had known. If only he could've found another solution.

If only he was still here.

My heart breaks for Lori and other survivors like her. I hope I never have to experience what they go through.

No matter what the question, suicide is not the answer.

* If you are clicking over to Lori's, please be aware that her emotions are raw, her stories are not censored and it is heart-wrenchingly difficult to read.
**I am sure the frivolity will return soon and I will put this post together


Karen said...

I have just read this after reading Lori's post. Thank you for posting about it - I just emailed my best friend and was hovering over calling my husband just to try to make sense of it. (I am crying).
I feel like I have just been shown the dark side of blogging, and I can't say I haven't been affected. I know she is choosing to tell her story, but I just hope in doing so she isn't doing further damage to herself or her kids. I feel sick. I feel like in some way I have violated their privacy, their recovery space. That being said, I wish them every chance at a happier, brighter future. I really, really do.

Lucy said...

As a sister of someone who chose suicide, I am sadly a bit too aware of the pain it brings. As always, your post is so sensitive and clear headed. xx

x0xJ said...

My body aches for Lori.
I dare not speak too much about her battle right now. I knwo it's something that is super sensitive to many, so i just send lots of love to both the loved one's of those who have chosen suicide and to those who may be contemplating it.

Maxabella said...

Can't block it out. Can't pretend it doesn't happen. Can't escape it. Can't brush it away. Can't bear it. x

Cate said...

I couldn't read her post. I tried, but I can't. Suicide is something I have first hand experience with and is still very hard to accept.
At the end of the day I have to remember that it was not really her 'choice'. She was not herself when she decided to take her life. And it was no-one's fault (not her loved ones', not her's and not mine).
And no, it is never the answer...

Tat said...

Yours is the second post I am reading today after hers. I hope I'll never find myself in a similar situation, but if I did, I know I'd feel guilty as hell. No matter what anyone else said and as much as it doesn't make sense. No one deserves the 'if only' life.

Andrea said...

Not sure if I will visit the post the other commenters and you are speaking of, but did want to say I said a prayer for peace for her. I have never first hand experienced suicide ( or know of anyone who has), so I have no right to I guess to speak my opinion. I hope this doesn't offend anyone...I have always viewed suicide as a selfish act. The person that commented suicide left the loves ones to lead the rest of their lifes like you just described. Totally unfair! It brought tears to my eyes just thinking of want she could be going through. I am glad she is using her blog for a source of getting her feeling out. She needs a place to vent openly. I think you are a great friend to write this post!

Jess said...

I have been reading Lori's blog since before this all happened (as a lot of have).. the whole thing has been awfully heartbreaking to follow.

My hert just goes out to Lori and her kids... :(

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