Monday, 30 April 2012

All junk in my trunk


Image from here

When I went to the physio last week, I was informed that I have no gluts. 'No gluts?' I asked. 'You sure about that?'

My butt has been a prominent feature in my life.' What in the world am I carrying around here?' I quipped squeezing my admittedly squishy cheeks . She smiled as she dug her elbow into my hip and thigh.

My mate Jimmy was equally amused by my new predicament when I reported it to my friends. 'So what happens when you clench?' He asked. 'Hmmm... ' I responded, having a little try, 'Not much, sadly'.

'Can I have a feel?' He asked full of his usual enthusiasm. 'Um, no I don't think that will be necessary.' Shuffle feet. Change of subject. Awkward.

When I went back to the physio today, I asked more about my shortcoming.

'Not 'no gluts' exactly' she said, 'I am sure they are there somewhere.* You just need a butt more like Serena Williams. Now those are the gluts for you' she assured me.

Now I don't know about you, but I can't say I have ever coveted SW's platform. Her serve, yes, but not the butt. Never the butt.

In a few short years, my 'child bearing hips' turned out to be not so child friendly, and my big bum turns out to be muscle-free. I am officially carrying junk in my trunk.

Sigh. It is a lot to take in.

What is the least flattering thing you have heard someone say about your body?

* I know. I didn't find it reassuring either, but she wasn't trying to be mean



11 comments:

At Number 32 said...

lol...you make me laugh xx
I think a friend feeling the need to comment on how 'low set' my chest is now would have to be my highlight! Breast feeding clearly caused casualties!!

Mama of 2 boys said...

Oh MM, you're so funny! And I know it's no laughing matter about the gluts... but to be honest I have never heard of anything like that. There is so much going on in the human body, it's a little hard to keep up with really.
I am flat chested, so you can only imagine some of the backhanded comments I've received over the years. The most crushing was probably a lady in Coles when I was about 8 months pregnant with Angus. She squawked in the middle of the sweets aisle, "aren't your boobs supposed to get bigger when you're pregnant?" Hmm, mortified by the statement and slightly disturbed that she'd checked me out so thoroughly, I smiled politely and moved on.
xo

Miss Mandy said...

Oh Mama of 2 boys, I have no boobs either, feel your pain.
That said I was in love with my rack when I was preggo.
I am very familiar with the whole, 'child bearing hips' comment. And funnily enough I did not get to use those hips as I had 3 c-sections. I'm done having children now so those hips, I'd be happy for them to just go away now.

Kirsty @ Bowerbird Blue said...

I got asked last year if I was pregnant again! No that would just be cake in my tummy.

3 c sections for me too, bloody child rearing hip mythology.

I've also had the - you are very small up top - comment from a shop keeper, not a great selling pitch.

I fear it's mostly junk in my ample trunk too.

Sarah said...

My daughter(at the tender age of about 5) announced, after some careful consideration:

'you're bottom's too big for those pants'

Sadly she was right ...

Nat - Muddy Farmwife said...

Oh thank you for making me laugh!! Sadly I have way too much fat on my bum and thighs, as well as being flat chested, so I have copped lots of comments over the years.
Sometimes I think the hardest comments to take are the brutally honest ones from kids.
I once had a little boy say to me 'your legs are too fat'. Definitely not a highlight.

Miss Pink said...

Ha! Ok so I laughed, hard.
But I swear doctor that I left my glutes there.
I'm pretty sure they're there, they were just relaxing. ;)

Maxabella said...

What!?!? NONE!??? x

River said...

I'm sure the physio meant you just need the "tone" of Serena Williams, not the size. Try consciously clenching several times a day to improve the tone of your glutes. Clench as you sit, as you rise, hold a clench for several metres as you walk, after a while you'll do it without thinking and the muscle tone there should improve, of course it won't happen overnight, but it will happen. Another thing is get down on the floor with the kids and have butt-walking races across the floor.

karencharlton said...

When I was 16 my mum grabbed my hips and said "You're quite hippy, aren't you?" I was MORTIFIED.
But it's true. I carry junk in my trunk AND I have leg meat. I'm the whitest black girl you ever did see.

DancingInTheRain said...

Will your lack of gluts have repercussions on the netball court?!

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